she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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