just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
