Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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