Don't make out with my wife yet
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
