I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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