Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I think we might need a safe word for this...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
