Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
