Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize