I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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