meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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