i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
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