Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
