I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
