I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
