Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
