Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
