if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
