A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
did i walk over a car last night?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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