I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
