i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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