I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
