I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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