I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
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