And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
