Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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