i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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