Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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