its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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