Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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