guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
