you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize