You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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