Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
