he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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