Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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