Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
