Non-Jews are for practice
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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