gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize