I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
