I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
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