I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
