Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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