Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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