he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
