Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
