fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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