four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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