Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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