Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
