A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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