Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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