Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
