my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
