I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
