My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
