Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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