i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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