i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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