Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize